This Guy is Writing 100 Colleges For Antifascist Representation

Milo Yiannopolis -  not the guy.

Milo Yiannopolis -  not the guy.

This Guy is Writing 100 Colleges For Antifascist Representation

By Marty Lloyd Woldman

So... when I say "this guy" in the title, I mean me. I'm the guy writing 100 colleges for antifascist representation. I'm sorry to make it sound all flashy and whatnot. Folks have been saying I need more attention-grabbing headlines, but honestly, now I feel a little dirty about it.

So what's this all about?

I was arguing with some folks the other day. I was like, "No platform for Nazis!" And they were like, "Everybody deserves to be heard!" And this one lady told me that she learned a lot from all sorts of speakers at her school. I told her, "Why not have me speak? I'm just as qualified as Nazis. I'm more entertaining. And I'm not a racist."

Then a light bulb flashed above my noggin. Why not have me speak at colleges? Milo, Spencer and their ilk have set the bar so low, surely I'm qualified to come get paid thousands of dollars to speak out against hate. So I pitched this idea to Paul to write the top 100 colleges asking to speak. Paul loved it, and here we are.

Below is the actual letter I will actually send to the top 100 schools. I will send it to the Dean of Students or Presidents or the highest level staff member for whom I can find contact info. I will keep y'all informed as to responses, and lack of responses and any other developments. I will make a new email address so student activists and alt-right trolls can send their support and vitriol respectively. Or maybe just send me vitriol. That seems like the most likely outcome anyhow:

To Dean Whatever,

Of Illustrious College

Much public discourse of late centers around whether or not alt-right Nazis should be allowed to speak on college campuses. Liberals and conservatives alike have called for equal time be allowed to all ideas, no matter how much those ideas are full of poison and call for the denigration of certain segments of the population.

Speakers like Milo Yiannopoulos, Richard Spencer, and Charles Murray have been invited to speak at numerous college campuses on the merit of twitter follows and maybe a white nationalist book deal. It’s certainly not based on the merit of their ideas or the substance of their character, because they possess none of either.

This doesn’t make any sense to me. I thought we had a discussion about whether Nazis were a good idea, and we as a species, decided nah, not such a good idea. As I recall there was a world war over it or something.

I don’t understand why these hate-spewing gutter scum opportunists are getting paid to speak at colleges. Is this some sort of meta postmodern ironic performance art I don’t understand? Is it a hipster trick that’s over my head? Like how my friends keep claiming that Fuller House is a great show and nobody believes them and they don’t believe themselves. Is Richard Spencer actually Andy Kaufman’s protege? Maybe the rise of the alt-right is the direct result of cultural irony reaching its apex. Maybe we’ll see bearded pedi-cabbers with Gilmore Girls tattoos manning the towers of concentration camps before the decade is out.

David Foster Wallace warned about this:

Anyone with the heretical gall to ask an ironist what he actually stands for ends up looking like an hysteric or a prig. And herein lies the oppressiveness of institutionalized irony, the too-successful rebel: the ability to interdict the question without attending to its subject is, when exercised, tyranny. It [uses] the very tool that exposed its enemy to insulate itself.

This notion holds true for centrists who shelter themselves from scrutiny by adopting some false ideological egalitarianism. By proclaiming all opinions are worth hearing, the centrist is saved from taking a stance on anything.

When asked whether unqualified speakers be allowed to speak at campuses, academia has answered with a resounding, “Meh.” But some ideas are definitively wrong. Geocentrism and phrenology are definitively wrong. White supremacy is definitively wrong. The universe does not revolve around the earth. One cannot glean the temperament of a person by examining the lumps on one’s head. The white race is not superior to others. Science and common decency render these theories utterly obsolete and they need not be entertained any longer.

If every theory were truly worth hearing, I think the aluminum foil hat contingency is greatly underrepresented in modern discourse. I’ve met many homeless schizophrenic tweakers who make a great deal more sense than Milo or Spencer, while managing not to be overtly racist most of the time. And yet I hear nothing about Spider Joe from Planet Wozniak getting a speaking tour.

However, if we are to take the centrists at their word, and all opinions are worth hearing, regardless of qualifications, or lack thereof, then I want to get in on that spineless gravy train. My lack of credentials rival the best of the unqualified class.

Here are my credentials:

I have a GED from the state of Texas. I’ve dropped out of three colleges. I’ve had various poems and plays published. I wash dishes at an Asian food restaurant for money. I write articles for The Notice Blog. I published a book of poetry (called All the Unspeakable Things, available on Amazon for only $9.99!). In addition to these things, I’m also not a Nazi. That should be a really big selling point. I AM NOT A NAZI!

So by all accounts, I have a lot more going on than Milo or Spencer or Murray. I hold all of the disrespectability, and none of the racism.

I’ve titled my speech “If the bar is set so low that anyone can do this, why the fuck not me?” What do you think? It’s catchy, but perhaps too long. I’ll work out the kinks. But let’s not focus on the title. Let’s focus on the message. And the message is clear: Are you going to have me, an antifascist asshole who yells unqualified bullshit on the internet, come speak at your campus? Or are you going to have Milo or Spencer or other fascist assholes famous for yelling unqualified bullshit on the internet come speak at your campus?

When we watch WWII era films like Casablanca, we all like to think we're the type of people who would stand up to oppression. We’d like to think we’re an idealistic freedom fighter, like Victor Laszlo. Or maybe a hard-nosed, grizzled pessimist on the outside, but in reality, we’re just cautious idealists, like Rick. But now, in the face of the rise of real, literal, no-hyperbole fascism, it turns out that most of us are just Captain Renault--a man whose only winning trait throughout the whole movie was not ratting out Rick at the end. And most centrists these days would rat out antifa praxis like that. So I guess we’re a nation of Peter Lorres and Major Strassers.

I’m sending this letter out to the top 100 schools in the country, imploring my unqualified antifascist counterpoint be heard in opposition to the unqualified fascists making the rounds. All responses and lack thereof will be updated regularly to the The Notice Blog.

Thanks for your time.


Marty Lloyd Woldman,

Senior Writer, The Notice Blog